North Pole Police Report
Date of Incident: Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Location: Frederick, Maryland, USA
Reporting Officer: I.P. Freely
Detail of Incident: Throughout the evening of Wednesday, November 30, there were numerous noise complaints throughout the city of Frederick, Maryland. The reports were centralized around 12 locations where it is believed that a group of bearded individuals may have been spreading unauthorized Christmas cheer. Numerous eye-witness reports indicate that so-called “Jingle Balls” were distributed with the explicit intent to increase Holiday Spirit.
After reviewing CCTV images, it was discovered that the bearded individuals also left calling cards attached to the Jingle Balls (see photographic evidence NPPD.0076842.0002). These cards have redeemable prizes expiring on December 24, 2016 at the local brewery, Flying Dog, which has been under investigation by this department for the past three years due to their creation and packaging of The Holiday Collection, a group of undocumented Christmas Spirits.
Please note the following APB: Anyone who comes across a Jingle Ball of any kind, please report it by Instagramming it, tagging @FlyingDogBrewery, and including #JingleBalls. Afterwards, take the Jingle Ball and attached prize to Flying Dog Brewery at 4607 Wedgewood Blvd, Frederick, MD 21703 by December 24, 2016, where we will have an officer waiting to take your statement and present you with your reward. Please note that no one under the age of 21 is allowed in the brewery. A valid ID is required.
Once all Jingle Balls have been located, one lucky Instagrammer will also receive a behind-the-scenes brewery adventure to include a tour, tasting and lunch with a freshly-showered member of the Flying Dog Social Media team. (Offer valid for redemption Monday – Friday before February 1, 2017. Winners must be 21+ and ice-cold, because what’s cooler than being cool?)
Photographic Evidence: The following images we’re obtained from CCTV and security cameras in various locations.
Location of Incident(s): This map highlights the areas where it is believed that the Jingle Balls were hung.
The sun is setting before happy hour even begins, and that means the holidays are upon us. Every gym sign we pass on the dark ride home is offering programs to help build shoveling muscles (deltoids, abdominal, erectors, quads, hamstrings, gluts, lats, obliques) and you can’t go anywhere without hearing about the #ElfDiet. In light of all of this activity, we couldn’t settle on just one beer to get you through the holidays. We’ve got seven. Yes, SEVEN. You can get your white-gloved hands on all of them this week as our Winter Is Coming release party runs today through Sunday.
This year’s K-9 Winter Warmer got a new look from Ralph Steadman, which was a nice reminder to us all that the recipe changes every year. This allows our brewers to flex creative muscles and use new ingredients and processes that they’ve been experimenting with all year. This year, we played around with some cocoa nibs from DC’s very own Undone Chocolate alongside cardamom and vanilla. The result is the perfect winter beer that pairs great with turtlenecks, ski lodges and oversized fireplaces. It’s also ideal for those year-end tailgates when your team doesn’t stand a chance, but that doesn’t stop you. At 7.4% ABV, our only request is that you #SledResponsibly.
The list has been made, it will get checked for a second time and then it’s out of our hands. This year, good girls and boys will wake up to Nice Holiday Milk Stout in their stockings. #ThanksSanta. Now here at Flying Dog, we don’t always see things in black and white, there are shades of grey, and depending on how any given night goes, you could spend time on both lists. So we took a long look in the mirror and decided that 2016 was pretty fucking rough, and we would take it easy on the sinners. This year, the rest of us will receive Naughty Egg Nog Ale in place of the traditional lump of coal (or hand-me-down socks, depending on your family traditions).
After Santa finishes passing judgment and handing out sentences, he’s going to need to fuel up. Rumor around the North Pole is that the Big Man’s lactose intolerant and actually prefers beer over milk. (Don’t worry, he isn’t driving the sleigh. It runs on magic.) Hook him up with our Holiday Collection, four brand-new beers inspired by Baltimore’s iconic Otterbein’s Bakery are back. This year’s beers include:
- Raspberry Leaf Ale, inspired by Otterbein’s Lemon Sugar Cookies
- Christmas IPA, inspired by Otterbein’s Orange White Chocolate Chip Cookies
- Horchata Lager, inspired by Otterbein’s Sugar Cookies
- Baltic Porter, inspired by Otterbein’s Chocolate Chip Cookies
If you can’t find something you like on this list, we hear Russia is wonderful this time of year. Tell Putin we said hi. And Happy Holidays.
The most important election of your life is upon you. On Tuesday, November 8 (after you punch your ballot to determine whose asses will be filling overpriced chairs in Washington) make your way to ChurchKey and do your democratic duty once more by VOTING FOR THE TRUTH.
We asked five of the District’s top brass in craft beer to create their own cask of The Truth Imperial IPA for the good people of DC to drink as the actual election results roll in.
Knowledge is power. Educate yourself on the issues and vote. #ElectTheTruth2016
CASK: The Truth Imperial IPA with raspberry puree and ginger
POLITICAL PARTY: District of Columbia Brewers’ Guild
PLATFORM: If elected, I would clarify and streamline the DC government’s process for opening and regulating breweries, removing unnecessary barriers to brewery start-up and promoting growth of the breweries that have already made DC their home. (We don’t have to really do that, right? Because that will take longer than the length of my potential administration and I don’t want to be seen as a do-nothing president. It’s rough out there.)
CASK: The Truth Imperial IPA with Azacca hops, gin-infused oak and lime peel
POLITICAL PARTY: ChurchKey
PLATFORM: If elected, I promise to serve all beer at proper temperatures, replace wine with beer on all pairing menus, and strengthen diplomatic relations with our international brewers.
CASK: The Truth Imperial IPA with Amarillo hops, Centennial hops, bourbon-infused oak, lemon peel and toasted oak infused with Wild Turkey vanilla bean
POLITICAL PARTY: Jack Rose Dining Saloon Whiskeytarian Party
PLATFORM: I stand for a world where beer flows pure through pristine draft lines, and the efforts of the brewing class are represented in our democracy! I also believe dolphins should have a voice in our society, because they amuse me, especially if dressed in tuxedos.
CASK: The Truth Imperial IPA with Ginger, orange peel and Madiera-infused oak chips
POLITICAL PARTY: Pizza Party
PLATFORM: Fellow beer drinkers, if you, as a people, chose me I would continue to further the beer scene in the capitol of our great country. A capitol city where quality beer would be poured from every tap and there would be a taco truck on every corner. And so, Washingtonians, I ask not what you can do for your beer bar but what your beer bar can do for you.
CASK: The Truth Imperial IPA with kaffir lime leaves, cardamom and ginger (not sweetened ginger)
POLITICAL PARTY: DCBeer.com
PLATFORMS: Promote diversity of all kinds in craft beer. Increase staff and consumer education around beer (cue “The More You Know”). Ban the brewing of quadrupels by legislative edict. Make IPAs clear again (but if you’re down with the haze, you do you).
CASK: No cask. I’m here in support of the draft (but not the kind that precedes wars).
POLITICAL PARTY: The Fight for Your Right to Party
PLATFORM: Mergers – No. Independence – Yes. Down with OPP. Firm supporter of drinking the same beer more than once.
INSPIRATIONAL BIGGIE SMALLS QUOTE:
It was all a dream
I used to read New Brewer magazine
Charlie Papazian books up in the limousine
Putting bottles on my wall
Every Saturday homebrew, hops, malt & all
I let my wort rock til my wort pop
Sterilizing carboys, that cleaning don’t stop…